I am being tested for drugs.


We are doing drug tests today, and I have been randomly selected.

Which makes me nervous.

Not because I do drugs, but in the way that getting my blood pressure checked makes me nervous.

You know, because I want to do well, so I get all anxious, and then I worry that I’m increasing my blood pressure by thinking about it, so I focus really hard on breathing normally and repeating don’t be stressed, sit very still, think calm, over and over in my head until they’re done. My blood pressure is always excellent.

So yeah, nervous like that.

Which is apparently a fantastic strategy for getting low blood pressure readings, but is not a great help to the drug testing process.


Mostly I find this whole thing ridiculous.

Because from the bows on my leather shoes to my bright teal pants to my recently washed hair, it seems clear that I am not “on drugs”.

But whatever. This is corporate America. We drug test people here.


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